Editor’s Note: This article has nothing to do with living local. It’s just a column that ALBB’s publisher Katie hasn’t sought publication for yet in other magazines, so ALBB gets to publish it. :)
Phrases have a way of sticking; whether they were spoken in passing or with strong intent. They can stick and change a course. As a person who remembers certain phrases very well, and cannot unbrand them from where they are stored, it has been told to me to delete this ability and forget the phrases. Move on.
In my current phase of setting boundaries, I have found boundary setting to be quite exhausting; first recognizing what the boundary needs to be, and then setting it up. And then maintaining it! The boundary can come in a variety of shapes and sizes. It can be loud or quiet. It can be physical or invisible. Each time one is put up, the feeling is like going back under the water, after enjoying a few moments at the surface breathing air and sunshine, but then a current sucks one back under the water, and a whirl of waves turns ‘round and ‘round until the arms can straighten again to guide to the top.
The nice thing about setting the boundary has been embracing it, and then seeing what that feels like. It has been feeling like rolling and tossing and turning in rushing water. Last week, it all felt depleting, where I could not drink enough water or eat enough sauteed spinach and garlic to keep the nutrients in my body. That, or there was a lingering stomach bug kicking around, making me dizzy. To me, my face looked like I’d been crying for days, but I hadn’t shed a tear. That, or I need to buy proper eye makeup remover and stop relying on shower water and moisturizer to get off 5 layers of mascara each morning.
Thankfully the sun came out, the air warmed a bit, and after two long jogs, the circulation kicked into gear to begin the spring acclimation of the shedding of winter.
Nourishment began refilling when my daughter smiled at me at pickup after track practice. Nourishment began refilling when this article started percolating in my brain, and the courage buoyed to publish it.
The Amazing Thing About Boundaries
What has been incredible about setting boundaries has been realizing I have the freedom to live after the boundary. Once a boundary is set, one has to be strong. “Stay Strong!” one might say to themselves. But staying strong gets tiring. However. Once it passes, and the boundary is reinforced the next time, the reaction is (hopefully) a little less. And it gets less tiring. But one must stay sharp and alert for when a new boundary needs set and current boundaries honored.
As a person who is going through a breakup and learning how to co-parent, I am thankfully surrounded by support and love. Out of all of those supportive phrases, there will be some that hit a certain way. This essay is going to explore some of them.
During the week of depletion, all of the phrases were compressing in. Pressurizing all of the phrases until nothing else would fit. No more changes could be made. No more reactions. Just being. Hence this essay. To spit them back out and let them fly.
“You are not broken. Do not tell yourself that.”
Although spoken gently but firmly, this was a hard phrase to hear, because I felt broken. It was over something light-hearted - a project management program for my client work that was kicking my butt and breaking my brain. So many emails, reminders, emails of the emails, emails to remind you to check off the item to stop the emails. I cracked and went and bought markers and paper and put all of my client projects onto paper and taped them to external computer monitors that surround my desk but aren’t plugged in.
“I’m broken,” I laughed. “This computer program broke me and I have to be on paper.” The friend I said this to insisted that I not speak this way about myself, and my friend was right. She said it was important to her that people she likes don’t speak down on themselves. Positive self-talk is real. Normally I’m an advocate of this too. But we all need reminders.
“You are not having a mid-life crisis. You are reclaiming yourself.”
This is a phrase I said to another woman, who was out in a professional setting instead of at home in her usual routine of fixing dinner, entertaining her kids, and/or doing laundry. She apologetically explained herself, on why she was there. When people need change, I suppose they are told they are having a mid-life crisis. Not so. Don’t let anyone tell you this. You are reclaiming yourself. You may twirl in the water, but go with it. Fold your arms over your heart, straighten your legs, and let your body shoot through the currents as it needs to, with the water pushing you the directions you feel.
“You want someone to make you dinner!”
This was a cute one. After a breakup, your loved ones want you to be happy. Find happiness. This was a wish put upon me to find someone to make me dinner :) While I do love eating, I’m not looking for someone to make me dinner. Not that I would mind someone making me dinner sometimes. While this may be other people’s dream, I had to embrace this was not my dream. I want to cook for someone to provide what they like. Even if I don’t like it or know what it is. I want to know how to make it and provide it.
“You want someone to book you a trip to Cancun!”
Woo! A trip would be nice, but I’m not looking for someone to buy me a trip. I want to book a trip to Charleston, SC to visit my friend and I want to bring my kids to visit her kids. I want to walk all over Charleston and show my kids all the places I used to live down there - the dorm room, the duplex, the carriage house behind the mansion, the beach house.
Then I want to book a trip to Arizona with my kids and have us sit in the sun and maybe never leave the hotel pool because that would be too much effort. Would I mind if another set of kids and their parent leader showed up and we lounged around together? That would be nice. But in time!
Next, I want to book a trip to visit my sister to see where she lives, and maybe I’ll do that in an RV. But that would be a much bigger project, so maybe my kids and I will just fly.
Also important, I discovered, was booking myself into an Airbnb - in Beacon! - by myself. Everyone should do this. Take a vacation with yourself even for just a night. And then do it again.
It’s been really liberating to say what I do want. If you’ve been doing things a certain way without a thought for very many years, and then you gave yourself permission - the freedom - to not do those things, it feels really good! “Going out to dinner and brunch is not my highest priority, personally. But I do love to eat so of course there will be restaurant food.” BAM!! Liberating.
“I fear you will be poor.”
Ok, back to the heavy ones. This was spoken as a fear. The fear of the result of breaking up, and a reason to stay as is. This emboldened me. At that time, I had done so much exploration, I was able to have a response, instead of allowing the fear to scoop me up and toss me around.
“We need to resolve this.”
This phrase was spoken after a very well intentioned gesture got turned upside down. It resulted in a compressed, turbulent communicative experience. After the plane landed safely, and we exited back into our lives, I realized that during the conversation, I felt like my friend was trying very hard to help me - to put my shoulder back into its socket. Only my shoulder was not dislocated. Nothing was wrong with my shoulder. My shoulder could have used a hug, but it wasn’t hurting and wasn’t broken. Trying to fit it back into place was what was hurting me. Fitting it back into place was breaking me.
Which brings us back to: “You are not broken.”
Such a beautiful phrase.
To people who speak up: Keep being there for your friends. Keep showing up. Even if you are afraid to speak to them - if you’re afraid of how your words will hit them. Just listen and watch and show up. Practice speaking.
To people who live (and these people are all the same people - we just switch roles): Keep remembering when you’re in a moment of needing nourishment. Recognize when you’re depleted. Nourish as best you can. When you’re right again, try to spot it. It will be hard, because you’ll feel happy and light again. But take the moment. Because the next moment could be a whole new spiral that you weren’t expecting. But perhaps in your journey of tossing under the water, you’ve learned some moves where you know how to trust yourself. And from that rock foundation, you can push off to the next rock, and emerge.
…
PS: To those science nerds reading, who read my depletion feeling as something medical, OK. I will get a physical. It’s time anyway. I got a mammogram before dissolving our marriage contract and losing my health insurance. I’m figuring out the COBRA, will look into NY State’s Marketplace, and will book a colonoscopy. I’m of the age. And then will book an Airbnb again to rest and recover. TMI, but consider it your PSA. xo
HUDSON VALLEY FOOD HALL
HUDSON VALLEY FOOD HALL
HUDSON VALLEY FOOD HALL
HUDSON VALLEY FOOD HALL
