"Dear ALBB: Yes, I was thinking about her. Hopefully we'll get a positive update soon."
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Bunny and Mike wrote in to ALBB hoping for a positive update on the woman who jumped off the bridge on Saturday. Mike saw it happen and felt helpless, because he said it happened so fast. Bunny was thinking about her. And they aren't alone. Others are hopeful and waiting.
But we may never know, and that's OK. Part of finding peace is disappearing. Healing in disappearance. In those moments, it can feel like one is all alone. Like they are the only one feeling this way.
But the most important thing to know, is that you are not alone. You are not the only one feeling this way. Or that there is not a solution to the problem and that you are doomed.
I know nothing about the person on Saturday. And I don't need to know. But, I will reach into my own experiences to try to identify with the unknown.
When I was divorcing, it felt so raw. So isolating. So angering. I didn't say that - that I felt like the only one - but it felt that way. My female neighbor and friend who also divorced could sense that. She would say to me: "Other people have divorced. You are not the only one." And I would calm down. My mind slowly coming out of spinning.
During that time, I adopted many self-protection habits. And some self-sabatoging habits.
By the time things got really bad, I was fully armored.
As I described the last time I wrote about suicide, which was almost this exact time last year, I talked about how I slipped into metaphors. How I might wrap myself into Malefecent's strong black folded wings around me, and disappear.
Now that I have made it through some of those phases, I am in a blooming phase. I ignored my yard for 2 years because I did not know where I would be; I was so detached. Now, I call it my Unbecoming Phase, in my Blooming Period.
Yet I still have Malifecent's wings when I need them. I will either "Go To The Garden," and mulch, plant and weed a lot. Or fold up into a quiet place to reflect and watch.
In my dark periods of that divorce period, I felt like I was in a coma. I felt dead. When I went to the hospital for diverticulitis and intense bleeding, I felt like my body was killing me, even though I had not made that choice. There were so many thoughts. So many things being said to me. So many responsibilities I had. So much unknown I was walking toward.
But in my coma, I could feel the hands of my friends. And people who I don't even know. I could feel them. Friends. Waiting patiently for me to wake up. They weren't upset with me. They didn't call me names. They were just waiting.
I started writing poetry and sharing it with my personal social. One cousin called my sister to ask if I was going to self-harm. No, I said. I am exploring my emotions and feeling them.
By the time the name-calling started, I was ready. I was ready to respond: "I know you aren't talking to me. I know you are talking to your own past trauma, and you need to let that out. My armor is on, and this moment will pass."
Some phrases (not the worst, but some):
"You're crazy! Crazy! Crazy!"
Yes. And I will keep moving forward to the space that I know I need to live in.
"Are you delusional?"
Yes. Thankfully, my small-business friends have shared memes about needing to be delusional to dream what you want to live inside of.
"Get a job!"
This public comment on FB was from Terry Amoroso Greenough who works at Antalek and Moore Insurance in Beacon on Main Street. When she doesn't like one of my articles, she flings insults. Terry is a Highway and Police Department Super Fan Girl, so any article that discusses them, Terry’s claws come out. Otherwise, she can be seen outside championing their work with a plate of cookies.
The thing is, Terry's employer supplies me with my business insurance that I pay them for. It was a thoughtless comment. In that Antalek and Moore, the co-owner Susan of whom also now makes public FB insulting comments to me provides business insurance to many small businesses in town. My small business is is not a storefront, but it’s a business. I have payroll. At one time for 2 of us, now only me. I am a reporter; a publisher; a website designer; a face painter.; an advocate.
In 2021 when Susan’s husband Judge Timothy Pagones was up for reelection for Beacon City Court Judge, she asked me to design his website. Immigration issues and Black Lives Matter were polarizing at the time, and while I did consider doing the job, I opted not to, deciding not to get involved with politics. This offended Susan very much, and Tim lost the election. Susan since changed her Instagram name go @notinservice12508. Sadly, our relationship has never been the same. Ever since then, the choice of Susan and Terry to represent themselves the way that they do to the local business community so publicly will never cease to amaze me. And I’ll always miss my and Susan’s friendship. The rest of the employees are so nice.
I'm switching business insurance and homeowners insurance away from Antalek and Moore. I have already done so with car insurance to Progressive (my policy lapsed because I had missed payments). I love Progressive. Their app takes such good care of me. Progressive's app is so kind and encouraging.
Sometimes deep emotional feelings aren’t a reaction from statements at all. Sometimes it’s from a regret. I do something in a moment, and then regret it hours or days later. Especially if it hurt someone and I saw their pain. Regret steams from the blood running under my skin. And I can’t imagine how to move forward.
In moments of discontent, of anxiety, of helplessness, of feeling stuck, I make myself look around. I make myself see one of the blessings I was praying for. And then I tell myself: "Remember, you prayed for this moment, and you are living in it right now. This little corner of the experience that is this life, it came true. Take a breath, and just feel it. You worked hard to get here."
I beg myself to feel content. When I still don't have the thing or things I need or think I need, I beg myself to quiet and feel content for the now.
I journal every day. Every day. I rage journal. I calm journal. I sexy journal. I curse. I say terrible things. Doing so helps me work through.
If one does not have quiet, it can be hard to find these moments to hear yourself and recognize yourself. I also listen to music in my headphones often to regulate me. One of the most valuable things one can do for a person is to provide them quiet with no questions asked. No guilt attached.
All this to say. I discovered my version of a truth, and that is that there are many lives in this life. When I meet someone in the next lifetime, it may be in my 50s from departure from my 20s. Rather than an actual new body from a birth and death.
If I harm myself, like eat an entire two layer frosted cake, I know how to get back out. I have to wait of course, for the sugar to exit my body. Eat carrots. Drink water. Go jogging. Sweat. But I have a way out. And then I journal to myself: "Please don't eat the entire cake again. You don't want to lose the next day recovering."
Some days are sunny. Some days are gray. We need the gray days to appreciate the sunny days.
Don't go away. Stay. You really aren't alone. Our hands are under you. You are okay. Proceed.
